The message was one of hope.  I can so easily recall that hopeful feeling growing wit each turn of the page of the book Body for Life.  The concepts were accessible, even by the likes of me.  The writing was down to earth.  The program fit neatly into my life and the "diet" was reasonable and that cheat day was, well, downright exciting!  Mostly, however there were those pictures, those pictures that screamed at you right out of the page: you can do this too!

For all of this, I had problems with Body for Life.  Please don't get me wrong, I am eternally grateful to the Phillips family for introducing me to the world of fitness and health but a piece of the puzzle was missing.  I had some sucess but I was always hurting myself or "falling off of the wagon".  My cheat days became cheat weeks and a piece by piece I lost my fucus until a car accident knocked me completely off of the tracks for a couple of years.  I lacked the deeper connection, a sense of purpose that those successful transformation champions surely must have had.

I've recently had the privilege of reading a profound and moving book entitled Strength for Life by Shawn Phillips.  Mr. Phillips is most easily recognized as the set of abdominal muscles on the front of the Body of Work video.  That picture that made my wife say, "Hoofta!" the first time she saw it.

  Yes, honey, "hoofta" is exactly right.  The guy is a living, breathing example of the Greek ideal: Sound mind in a sound body.

Shawn Phillips brings his passion to this work, which, to me, completes the Body for Life puzzle with the essential component for success: spirituality.  Immediately I sensed that "deeper connection" I needed was in this book.  Every page radiates with the wisdom of this man who lives his truth.  You won't find a false prophet here.  You won't find yet another fitness guru with yet another ulterior motive.  You will simply find one of the most honest and inspiring visions of what a life lived with strength truly can become.  Incidentally, Shawn is the developer of my favorite nutrition shake that I have written about before.

Shawn   teaches us that movement without purpose is empty.  We must feel and focus our passion on each and every repitition.  He makes us understand that we don't move the weight but, in fact, the weight must move us first.  His excitement for eating the right things or at the prospect of tossing around some dumbbells (hopefull not anyone I know...) is evident on every page.  This book instructs the reader on how to see their time in the gym in a new and invigorating way.

The entirely of Mr. Phillip's dissertation on strength is impressive in and of itself.  Of course the obvious forms of strength are covered, those forms that every gym-rat knows.  A complete program for getting physically stronger is outlined in the book.

Naturally, it is a fitness book, after all. 

What makes this work unique is the quality illumination of strength as a subtle, yet wholly pervasive force in each of our lives.  This book acts as a detailed map for a deeper understanding and use of strength in life.  This work tends to the fitness of our spirit and mind as well.  Where most books end with the outlining of a diet and exercise program, at this point this book is just getting warmed up.  The true fitness goal here is a spiritual and mental strength that serves us long after we step out of the gym.

Shawn's clarity and purpose capture the reader from the first page.  I have to admit to being a little choked up just by the end of the preface.  I closed this book firmly convinced we are each capable of discovering our stength through courage, action and the insight contained in these pages. 

Be strong.  Read the book.  Live strong.

I wanted to log my weekly Sunday morning standard - no matter how painful it may be to look at.  I knew, I KNEW I was in trouble when I stopped posting the pictures regularly.  It was also easy to see how much trouble I was getting into when I stopped posting all together.

I am very grateful for the number of y'all who stop by and send me encouragement.  The reason I left the RealSolutions bulletin board was that I had so much support, the well-wishing of so many good hearted people that I just couldn't stand to think of how miserable my failure to achieve real results was.

I posted on that board with a head full of ego, so much so that there was no other room for anyone or anything else.  I used the board to sort out my "spiritual awakening" and the other members of that board politely tolerated all of my self-involved ranting.

I may remain somewhat philosophical, I may still rant from time to time but I am no longer in this for attention.  I haven't been in it for attention in some time now.  I am ONLY about results now.

Again, I have made a move that might be the best thing I have done for myself in some time, but more on that later...

HouseKeeping:

Weight: 369.6 lbs.
Body Fat%: 41.0%
Body Fat Weight: 151.54 lbs.
Lean Muscle Mass: 217.06 lbs.
At 15% bf, my goal weight is 249.62 lbs.
BMI: 50.1

I wanted to say what been going on the last few weeks - they have been turbulent, trying, tough and terse, totally.

Several years ago I was in a mostly non-serious car accident.  The high drama was the discovery of a walnut sized mass in the back of my brain.  I became so focused on it that the next couple of years I did nothing but eat, sleep and wallow in self-pity.

Oh, man, was I a world class wallower.

The upshot was this: I had two other injuries from that accident that I just never focused on - a torn rotator cuff in my left shoulder and torn ligaments in my lower right back.  I have felt like a cork-screw while walking, squating and deadlifting, like the right and left side of my body just would not speak to one-another.  I remember my shoulder and hip hurting for months after the accident but that 800 pound gorilla in the room, the BRAIN TUMOR just sucked all of the attention and self-focus away from them.

So we fast forward a few years and I have had some great victories: I am in the gym with a trainer three times a week, I am so much less anxious, I have a backbone of faith, I am focused on my priorities, I have lost 55 pounds of fat and gained 30 pounds of muscle that have survived (plus or minus ten pounds) through a laundry list of health challenges - COOL RUNNINS' MAHN.

I re-injured that muscle in my right hip a few weeks ago and could not walk, no gym, no treadmill, no nothin'.  The week before that I had the official MRI of my shoulder and found that it was torn in three parts.

The picture the Orthopod drew on is below.  The left bicep tendon is split down the middle (#3).  The SLAP (Superior Labrum Antero Posterior) is split also (runs around the socket), and the other one which has a hole-punch missing from the middle.

My trainer - one heck of an educated and decent person - has had me rehabing the shoulder for a few weeks.  After just one week I was able to turn my steering wheel to the left with my left arm for the first time in years.

Sing it Peter Cetera: Getting stronger, everyday...

The last week we have started rehabing the hip and I can feel the change coming.  During this time off of the gym my weight has shot up 10 pounds to 367 lbs. and 41.7% body fat.  Now I have 110 lbs. of fat to lose - I had almost broken the 100 pounds to go marker (got down to 100.63 lbs. to go) but no problem.  I will get it back.

For all of this I have pushed through.  My constant pain is justified, I'm not the wimp I've always thought I was.  My trainer and I have modified the power lifting moves to get good days in the gym.  I have kept to a fairly consistent 2 shakes a day habit (Full Strength, I love the stuff and if I'm drinking two of them a day I am on track).

And I think I just made the single biggest move to get me to the results I want...

But more on that later...


May God bless and keep you,

Jeff

"I've never said this to another man before, but, I, uh, have what feels like an orange lodged in my left butt-cheek".

My poor trainer, though to his credit he sat and listened like a total professional.

"Are we talking a navel orange or mojo?, Forida or California?"  Obviously he wonders about the size...

"Navel. navel?  I told you, man, it's in my BUTTCHEEK"  And definitely Florida - they grow 'em big out there...

Perhaps the next time I pass gas it will smell like one of those orange-based cleaning product commercials I see.

RRrrrrhummmfpfffph!  Sniff.  Sniff.  Hmm, smells like someone crapped out an orange while cleaning the oven...

For a guy with all that schooling and knowledge of anatomy, well, sheesh.  I think technically this is called jokus interuptus, he was going for the "size" gag and I jumped in with the "location" gag.  One point for El Jefe!

The "orange" is this solid, spherical object that I can feel when sitting down or rolling on the foam roller.  It feels like it is right in the hip-flexor area.  I have always felt a little bit like a cork-screw when deadlifting and squating, uneven, bent out of plane - I figured it was because my left leg is about an inch shorter than my right.  When I walk or jog the imbalance becomes obvious.

So Monday I got only half of my workout and haven't done any since (I can barely stretch it without pain).  Then today I lost my voice.  Not a good thing when talking is what brings the money into the house.

Laryngitis, butt-injury, and sphincter-oranges: the cocktail of frustration.

Which led to today: chicken n' ribs for lunch, which was quickly followed by a cinnamon roll and double cheese burger.  Too much of the wrong stuff and now that familiar feeling of having been poisoned sets in.  Dulled senses, stomach ache, gastric distress, tired, eye-strain, listlessness and a feeling of having not taken a breath in 4 minutes.

Though, intuitively this feels like a good thing in the long run.  I think that damned foam roller is about to fix yet another life-long physical misalignment.  A couple weeks ago the foam roller saved me from pending rotator cuff surgery.  Now maybe I am getting hip alignment and my left-slant, shorter-leg walk will be fixed.

Cool.

The first requirement of life is to be present while it is happing.  Maybe this idea of the MOMENT OF TRUTH, Truth, truth...(echo for effect of magnitude) is the most important.  Leverage comes from existing in that moment being aware and conscious.  We have been endowed with the greatest gift of all - love for small, furry, animals.  Uh, no, hold on, I mean CHOICE. 

Though, I do love the small, furry animals, too.  Richard Gere and I could sit down to a tea - well, at least I could sit down, Richard might be a little uncomfortable, shifting his weight back and forth, so as to not crush Memorex,  his pet gerbil.  Paris Hilton also carries a furry little friend - maybe I'll also be "hip".

No, definitely not "hip".

Where was I, oh, yes, the fundamentals of good choice in the Moment, Moment, moment OF, Of, of, TRUTH, Truth, truth... 

First Thing: BE PRESENT

This must be the first piece of the puzzle.  I've lost count of the number of times I've "woken up" only to realize I was half way through a double cheeseburger.  I'm not talking about in the middle of the night, or waking from a nap to realize I was eating.  I'm talking about being in a fully "awake" state only to really become conscious in the very next moment of having a piece of pizza hanging out of my mouth.

I often find myself running these "tapes", these automatic routines around food and eating.  The number of food lies piling on top of one another until they seem to be an unsurmountable wall of pain and self-loathing.  The steps must be to interrupt the tape, to raise consciousness, and to pause in that moment of seemingly uncontrollable NEED.

Ah yes, this must be the outcome of this plan: To buy myself enough time to use the mass of techniques I have learned over the years.

Second Thing: BE HONEST

There will be moments when I am actually hungry, when my stomach is begging for food, honesty will light the path and make the decision for me.  I want to fully feel alive in this moment that means so much.

Third Thing: CHOOSE

Before I got off on that gerbil tangent earlier I was talking of the greatest gift we are endowed with: our ability to choose.  Maybe this is why addiction, in all of its forms, is so difficult to beat.  We have gotten to this place by forfiting our right to choose, over and over again.  Maybe addiction is how God punishes us for giving away our most precious gift from him.

So, I will dutifully check mark each time I think about food into my little book.  Each time hopefully raising awareness just a smidgen.  In the moment I check the page I will buy myself that time I need to make the best choice for the best me and the for my best family and future.

Now I will take Richard's gerbel as my own, after giving the furry little guy a disinfectant bath, that is.  So that when I begin to run my food lies/food addiction tapes, I can ask: Is it live or is it Memorex. 

I should be shot for even considering to write that down...



Weight: 357.8 lbs. (-1.4 lbs.)
Body Fat%: 40.0% (NO CHANGE)
Body Fat Weight: 143.12 lbs. (-.56)
Lean Muscle Mass: 214.56 lbs. (-.84 lbs.)
At 15% bf, my goal weight is 252.5 lbs.
BMI: 48.5 (-.2)

Huh... I did everything right this week?!?  It is alright - I feel a GREAT week coming!

God Bless.

I've been trying to get something on this blog since Saturday morning.  I popped up out of bed, weighed myself and took the pictures.  I then sat down to write on the subject of "The Moment of Truth".  I want to answer the question, "What should I do in that split second of decision when facing the question: To Eat, or Not To Eat".  That is the question, afterall.

Now I sit here 36 hours later and I still cannot come up with a plan.  I've been all through the Anthony Robbins materials and they are very relevant.  He has a quote that is brilliant, something to effect of: It is in our moments of choice that our destiny is reaped.  I've read tons of self-help books, psychology papers on choice and philosophy books/papers on free will and choice.  Blah, blah blah blah...

That moment feels so dramatic to me, as if the entire world hangs in the balance.  Maybe it does, get the right question and take one giant leap for me-kind.  Get it wrong and I swim in a sea of pepperoni to the island of myocardial infarction.

Yeah, I can't really see the downside either.  Mmmm....Peppero-o-o-ni.

I tried to reverse engineer this, take all the times when I made the good choice and figure out what those moments had in common.  The pattern eludes my feeble little man-brain.  I've chosen well when I was hungry and not hungry, when I was on a hot streak and when I was on a cold streak.  I've said no after a workout, sometimes I've gone straight from a heavy, sweaty gym session right to starbucks for a large coffee and chocolate donut.  I've sat in fancy restaurants and ordered "smartly" and other times I tried to eat my weight in "fancy" food. 

I am not seeing the pattern, if indeed there really is one.

I couple of things I know have some leverage:

• Feeling accountable to a person has worked - Especially someone I felt that I was helping
• Writing what I was eating and why (or my current method of check-marking each food urge) - I guess we call this one raised awareness or consciousness
• Pausing long enough to ask the question, "Is my body hungry or is it in my mouth/mind, etc."

A bigger pattern has dogged me for a year and a half now: Do really well for a few weeks, binge for a couple of days, undo all of the previous weeks progress, spend a week or two getting back into the groove, then get ahead for another week only to start the cycle all over again.

I have inched ahead, slowly but surely, I have made some real gains.  30 lbs. of lean mass added, 50 lbs. of fat lost.  It just doesn't stack up to the Subway guy or the Biggest losers.  That is what is possible.  My quest to fix myself has served me in so many ways, helped me to meet people and seek out new materials and knowledge.  I've come quite a ways in wisdom as well.  Recognizing the weakness and failure in myself has allowed me to see it in others.

I am better at seeing the inherent dignity is all people.

I'll say it again: If it weren't for my weight problem, I wouldn't be half the man I am today.

Kinda' the opposite of Paul McCartney's I'm not half the man I use to be...

Not a bad week, no bad meals, all gym sessions gotten to and a solid "head work" week as well.  Two pounds of fat gone, one pound of muslce added and .5% of body fat lost.

Any suggestions as to how I might face the MOMENT OF TRUTH would be greatly appreciated!

Measurements taken 7 am on March 8, 2008 (Yesterday)
Weight: 359.0 lbs.
Body Fat%: 40.0%
Body Fat Weight: 143.68 lbs.
Lean Muscle Mass: 215.52 lbs.
At 15% bf, my goal weight is 253.5 lbs.
BMI: 48.7

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?

Hamlet was one DEEP dude.  One hermetic hombre.  One bottomless bloke.  One chary chap.  Of course, in pre-viking Denmark they had no toilet paper, deodorant, liquid soap (really, no lye!) or iPods.

I have been doing very well.  In the gym, eating well, staying on top of the mental aspects of my climb and displaying some small acts of self-discipline.  Two weeks ago I started carrying a small red pen and a pocket notebook to log each time I thought of food.  I have filled whole pages of this little 4x2" notebook with bright red check marks.

The idea was to give myself credit for each time I said, "No".  To focus on the vast majority of the times discipline is running the show instead of the bingenous (I just made that word up, cool!) few.  Ah!  Sounds like the application of the 80/20 rule yet again!  A small number of actions bringing about the vast majority of results.  Two binge meals in a week will wipe out the other 33 pristine, well timed, small portioned veggie-laden meals.  Every single time.

I remember about a year ago while I was making good progress writing on a BB that what I did 95% of the time would be the tale of the tape with me.  I was wrong.  I have no leeway.  There is no room for error

None.

I have to get it right every single time.  This doesn't mean perfection, It simply means that if I eat the wrong foods, I better darn well eat very little of them.  If I over eat, I better darn well be eating the right kinds of foods. 

Seems there are four choices at any given meal:

1. Perfect food, Perfect Portion
2. Perfect Food, Larger Portion
3. Imperfect Food, Perfect Portion
4. Imperfect Food, Imperfect Portion

I can make great progress with 1 & 2, mediocre progress with #3 and be completely devastated by a single #4.  Seems that the odds are in my favor for making progress!

This has all got me wondering about the moment of choice.  How do we face the urge that overshadows all else.  I have heard Anthony Robbins say that it is in our moments of choice that our destiny is fulfilled.  How do we approach that moment when our finger is hovering over the final digit to the pizza place on the phone?

What elements are at work?  Does the response depend more on skill, focus, chance, disbelief, or belief?  I haven't ever had much luck interrupting  the pattern. 
 
A little accountability whilst I ponder the moment of truth question... 

Weight: 359.0 lbs.
Body Fat%: 40.2%
Body Fat Weight: 144.32 lbs.
Lean Muscle Mass: 214.68 lbs.
At 15% bf, my goal weight is 252.4 lbs.
BMI: 48.7

I know a couple of things as far as Dietology, Supplementology, etc. that serve me very well.  I know I can lose 12-15 pounds each month if I do everything right.

I know it.

This week has been a mixed bag: I've gotten to the gym, eaten correctly and done my reading/journaling to work on the Binge Eating Disorder.  The "mix" comes from the fact that I've also had health complications from being too heavy.  I have been weighing in around 368 lbs. for the last week (all while I was doing the "right" things, oye!) - I don't know why the jump in weight or why it stuck around for a whole week but it stuck around nonetheless.

Back in October I weighed in at 340.2 lbs. after two solid months of progress.  Since that time I packed on 28 lbs. and these last two weeks my body has registered a formal "complaint".  I've had black swimmers/spots in my visual fields, I fall asleep after each meal, my tongue, well, you know, lickin' waffles, my muscles hurt, my joints hurt, a constant headache, attacks of vertigo and just never feeling like I could get a good deep breath.

I haven't missed this many workouts or eaten this poorly since I first launched this "Faith-based" diet plan back on June 13, 2006 (My iSatori Boot Camp weekend awakening).  I managed to get myself all the way back up to within 8 lbs. of my starting weight.

Though my "money in the bank", my added muscle mass actually saves me from starting back from the beginning.  I stole that money in the bank line from Shawn Phillips and shamelessly, might I add.

Back on June 13, 2006 I was:

Weight: 378 lbs.
Body Fat%: 49.4%
Body Fat Weight: 185 lbs.
Lean Muscle Mass: 191 lbs.
At 15% bf, my goal weight was 225 lbs. 

When I originally posted this on the RealSolutionsMag BB I had under reported my measurements out of embarrassment.  Oh, well, live and learn...

Today, March 1, 2008 I am proud to say that I am still struggling.  Yes, I am proud of the fact that I am still struggling and that the last year and a half hasn't been a waste of time or broken my spirits in any way (though the last few weeks my spirits might have been pretty bent).

Weight: 359.6 lbs.
Body Fat%: 40.5%
Body Fat Weight: 145.6 lbs.
Lean Muscle Mass: 215 lbs.
At 15% bf, my goal weight is 252 lbs.

What a profound difference those added 25 lbs. of lean mass make!  Even with all the binging and set backs, even through all of the health ordeals and even as I came so close to quiting, I wasn't the same guy.  I couldn't get back to that original "me" from 18 months ago, my lean mass gains wouldn't allow it to happen.

I'm stronger now.  I'm more flexible.  I'm more confident in my ability to carry on through adversity. 

I'm not going to set a Date on my weight goal.  I've learned that much about myself.  The other areas of my life respond well to traditional goal setting techniques but my weight never has.

I will achieve 15% body fat.
I will apply my Dietology, Supplementology and Iron Pumping-ology plans every day to the highest degree that I am able.
I will develop a respectful and natural relationship with eating and food.



So, this is where it begins, yet again.  But this time I "know" how far I have come and exactly what I have to do.

Hope all y'all are doing fine!

Damn.

I can't let that last post hang around too long.  I am worried.  I am struggling.  I am not about to quit.

I believe we were endowed with two capacities to navigate and explore the universe.  The first ability is our old friend logic.  Logic is surprisingly difficult to define, countless numbers of geniuses from all over the globe all throughout history have tried and mostly failed.

Kinda' like the search for the perfect pick-up line.  Uh, heh, heh, you look like a hooker I knew in Fresno...

Better luck next time, creep-o.

Playboy magazine reported on a study back in the 70's where a mediocre looking young man hit on 200 women.  These women were agreed to be, in the parlance of science, way, way, way out of his league.  Don't let the scientific jargon scare you off, it simply means that a mediocre guy was sent to hit on pure hotties.

Whew, thank God the science is over.

The young man was instructed to simply walk up to the lady and say, "Let's go back to my place and !#@*$".

Rude, crude, pathetic, vulgar and, amazingly enough, successful!  These "scientist" were studying an aspect of the Law of Large Numbers (LLN) or the Bernoulli principle (not the same as the principle you failed in freshman chemistry) which roughly states:

Given enough time and chances, all other things being equal, a total babe/hottie will go home with a vulgar, and profane, crude "average" guy.

It is much more impressive sounding in it's original latin, bearguttus dudum patheticus...

From a mathematics standpoint the law simply states if you flip a coin enough times or roll a die enough times the results, on average, will approach the average of all possibilities.  For example, on a 6-sided die the possibilities are 1+2+3+4+5+6 = 21, divided by 6 (number of possibilities) for an average of 3.5.  Sure enough if you have absolutely nothing better to do, rolling a die a million times, adding all of the numbers together and taking the average will get closer and closer to, ... drum roll...,  3.5.

Hey, I thought the science was over...

Wait!  I started talking about the two tools we use to navigate our way through the world, logic was one and Faith is the other.  Logic says if we just keep on, keepin' on, that if we just don't give up, eventually we will arrive at the outcome we desire.  What logic doesn't capture is the number of drinks thrown in that young man's face, the number times he must have been slapped or outright beat up from a mathematically-challenged boyfriend.

What would possess a person to carry on through such obvious adversity?  How did he pick himself up, rejection after rejection to get to the 2/200 (that's 1% for those of you keeping score at home) that would get naked with a total stranger?

That other tool, faith.  The law of large numbers is easily applied to inanimate objects, dice, coins, etc. but to humans a second element becomes necessary.  Faith allows us to carry on when there is no reason.  Faith bridges us over the gaps in logic, and lightly shields us from the pain of growth.  Faith allows us to stumble blindly in the darkness and feel as though a purpose is being served.  And so we continue to stumble blindly...

We sandwhich reality between the reasonable and the impossible, between logic and faith.  Logic lights the path ahead, allowing us to take educated guesses at the endplace.  Faith is the beacon shining through the darkness - though we may not now what lies between us and that end, we know only that the end is there, waiting for us.

I have been alive for 13,445 days so far.  The law of large numbers tells me I am getting closer to what I want.  Logic tells me that as long as I don't give up, the payoff is bound to show up.  Faith simply says, "keep plugging away, take the next step - DON'T GIVE UP".  

People who live heroically do not live by numbers, I think.  Remember C3PO telling Han Solo about the odds of successfully navigating an astroid field are...

NEVER TELL ME THE ODDS

Tomorrow morning I will get up and faithfully drink my Full Strength shake, logically speaking when I do this I can expect a good day to follow.  I will jump on the treadmill and spend some time focused on how wonderful life is and will be.  I'll continue to search for inspiration because that is the true battle to be won.

13446 is looking like a pretty darn good number...

I am one jelly donut away from an amputated foot.

I have eaten like a starving man, felt the heart palpatations of an Obsessive Compulsive in a room full of light switches and hand soap and and sank into my couch, listless and resigned more times than I can count.

Still, I don't feel all that bad.  This week I have spent hundreds of dollars on a binge disorder books, motivational tapes and set doctor appointments to get on medication.  Weeks don't get much more "off track" than this one.

Kind of felt like emotional diarrhea it is embarrassing, uncomfortable and you pray to God no one hears you through the bathroom door.

But when done you purge what shouldn't be inside of you and your not much more than a bottle of Gatoraid away from feeling a lot better.

I am afraid I am at this very moment turning into a diabetic.  All the symptoms are there and I have spent years tempting this fate.  It has been 10 days since my last exercise and my tongue feels like it perpetually has maple syrup on it. 

I'm worried this time I'm really in the deep end, I might not recover fast enough to avoid a life-altering and permanent change in my health.  And still it isn't motivating me to get excited and back on track.  I am weighing in the 362 lbs. range for the last week.

This is only 15 lbs. shy of the place I started back on June 13, 2006, when I had my "moment".

I've no one to blame but myself, I have had help and input from some of the best and people in the business.  I actually received one-on-one coaching from the editor/CEO of a national magazine and supplement company.  He is one hell of a good man and I was so ashamed of not making progress I stopped speaking to him.  I felt "uncared" about and justified at the time but that was all just a crock.

This is beyond my control and a bigger problem than I can handle.  I haven't ever admitted to that or even considered saying it.  The gastric bypass surgery seems like a good idea for the first time.

It is so much more romantic to think that I will just die - and everyone will cry and say what a great guy I was.  The truth is that I won't die, I'll just become incompacitated and live a long life as a drain on my family.  I'll end up setting the worst kind of example for my kids and robbing my wife of the "good life" I have promised her.  Finally, everthing else in my life is clicking and this is going to end it all.

Pretty cheerful stuff, huh?  I am open to suggestions...