What a crazy, mixed up world!

Oye!

So, about 6 weeks ago I went looking for a coach, someone to help jumpstart me back into action.  I wanted a real professional, someone that could understand where I was coming from but also respect the fact that I have a butt-load of information concerning my particular situation.

I tried to be very clear with this well intentioned coach: I am not a binger, not anymore.  I believe it is the DOSE that makes the poison or in this case: I am only as much a compulsive over-eater as my last meal would indicate.  In other words, if I just had a salad and a glass of water for lunch -  I am a health-food guru.  All the way up until my very next meal of 3 lbs. of ribs, a pint of potato salad, half a chocolate pie, a loaf of bread, and a 2 liter of coke.  At that point I am a compulsive eater. 

Nowadays my next meal is always a recovery meal: small, nutritious, fibrous and a good reminder of how I want to feel.  This is why I say I am no longer a binge-aholic - on the very rare occassion that I do eat too much or for the wrong reasons - I am immediately back on track.

I hadn't eaten to excess from emotion or binged in over 8 months prior to signing on with this new coach.  So, as per usual, with a new strategy/pill/book/guru/magazine article/CD program, I was ready to get right back on track with a heart reinvigorated with hope.

It didn't even take a week before I actually started eating stupidly again.  My theory is the insistance of this coach that I was a binge eater put me into that loop again.  Eight months of non-binging - sign up with a coach and BAM!  I'm spending $26 dollars for lunch at Carls, Jr.  I went searching for a coach or program to get me jump-started back into action.  It works every time.

Except THIS time, that is.

If hope is a drug then that would make supplements, books, magazines, gurus, etc. are nothing but the next fix.  It has occured to me that the progress of the last couple of years has been to replace the addiction to food with an addiction to hope.  I have found several healthy, though expensive, ways to get my hope fix.  Coaches, books, programs, cd programs, audiobooks, and magazines really cut into the wallet.  

What a great step in my personal evolution!

I promptly quit the coach, not because she was ineffective but because I just don't need guidance any more.  I don't need generic supplement advice, I don't need generic, home-delivered meal plans, I don't need to spend time addressing my "eating disorder" and I certainly don't need to be spending money to do it.

I just need to be honest.  I just need to rely upon myself and know in my heart and mind that I am the only one who can save me.  I am doing well recently and I am again making "easy" progress towards a healthy existence.  I'll get more into that shortly.

I believe that I have had an epiphany every bit as powerful and insightful as the first two and a half years ago in Colorado.  Maybe I am blessed to live to see my life take two extreme, tire-squeeling, body-jerking turns in such a short period of time.

So far, so good...

So far, so gooooooooooood....

In the movie in The Magnificent Seven Steve McQueen's character is asked how "things" are going.  He stops, looks off into the distance tells this story:

A man falls out of the window of a 10 story building and as he passes each window the people in the rooms heard him say, "so far, so good".

Since my grand return to the "givingadamn" lifestyle all I can say is, "so far, so good".

So far, so good.

I began 19 days ago to get back into the groove of planning my  fitness, meals and tending to my health again.  I piddled around for a couple of days, then made a few dietary exceptions and then piddled around a bit more until two weeks had passed and I was weighing in heavier than when I started.  Then, in an effort to jumpstart or reboot my campaign, I made one HUGE and very questionable decision.  I quit my trainer.

I'm still not sure if that was the right move.  I'm beginning to think It was pretty stupid, in fact.  So, I sit here today with my entire plan in place: a week's worth of meals planned, grocieries bought, workout times planned and each of a large number of training sessions outlined for reps and sets.

A couple kettlebell workouts, a couple of strength workouts for the gym (built from the obligatory base of deadlifting and squating), a couple of sled pulling workouts (using the exergenie trainer) and two cardio variations which all fit together nicely, if I do say so myself.

So far, so good.

As I type this my left wrist is sprained from trying to do renegade rows on the kettlebells, my left forearm/elbow is shredded from flipping my 300 lbs. tractor tire, my left knee isn't holding my body weight from attempting to do lunges, my right ankle is sore from trying to do burpees and my left rotator cuff is sore as hell from attempting turkish get ups with a 26 pound kettlebell. 

My right rotator cuff ain't none too happy about it either...

So far, so good.

I also over worked myself with my sets and reps scheme to the point that, beyond that laundry list above, makes it just plain painful to walk, use the restroom, etc.

Not since that scene in the Predator 2 has such a cry of agony been heard to eminate from a bathroom.

Toilet, I stab at thee from hell's heart...

The good news is ALL the pieces are in place and the lesson of "do what works" is firmly inprinted.  It was foolish to attempt a lot of those moves.  I do know better than that.

That is the brilliance of my trainer, he worked me very hard without doing damage.  He found dozens of work arounds and rehab manuevers that kept me in the game. 

Today I am 379 lbs. @ 42.0% bodyfat.  I need to lose 120 ls. of fat to reach 15% body fat.

So far, so good...

I heard recently we exist in a contract with the universe.  Deep.

Yes, so, so very deep...

But also intriguing.

The idea is we create the various tensions in our lives by reneging on the contract.  To better understand the concept just think of the wedding vows "...in good time AND bad".  The promise of life is the promise of love, connection, excitations, accomplishment and laughter.

Oh, yes, AND tears, frustration, sorrow, pain and rejection.

Living in harmony with our world and ourselves requires we accept the second list just as readily as we do the first list.  I like the symmetry with our internal system of morality.  The feeling of "guilt" is a strong message from us to us we have broken one of our own rules.  Guilt lets us know we are not living the way we know we should be living.

Thank God for guilt!  It is like having a clear, loud voice yelling in your ear, "THIS IS WHAT YOU BELIEVE!"

With guilt as my ally, I could be a mutant whose super power is eating curried chicken with vegetables and enjoying every bite of it because I do firmly believe it is THE DOSE THAT MAKES THE POISON.

Yes, Professor X, it is I, Slumdog Vegetable-aire.  Someone call Wolverine over here to chop some sweet potatoes for me. 

My first stab at fitting this into my experience has been to think of eating in response to nervousness or boredom as a rejection of the contract.  Sure, sometimes, somethings are just going to be uncomfortable, irritating and even downright painful.  That was promised in the contract.  We have proof of our humanity and opportunity for a rich, full experience of life.

What is this, "embrace the struggle"?  I've pondered for months the answer to "To be or not to be".  The answer, begrudgingly, keeps coming up "fight, you moron, fight until your last breath.  Really?  Can you truly be such a moron?  Fight."

It isn't in my nature to fight - I've always been more of a "run like hell" kinda' guy.

I do believe the long term solution to most puzzles is the slow, methodical erosion of the beliefs that surround them.  Some beliefs are blown apart in a moment - you wander into the living room and dad is putting presents under the tree while drinking the milk you left out for Santa, etc. 

But most, especially as those addressed as adults, are slowly and purposefully eroded.  Those stone castles are brought down one pebble at a time.  Each rep done when your tired, each workout performed when you don't really feel like doing it and every calorie passed up in favor of a better one.

So the bottom line, as it appears to me at this time, is this: It is our duty, having signed the "existence contract" to fight, to always struggle in some manner, especially if the battle is to only chip away that next small, minuscule pebble from the foundations of our "castles" of limiting beliefs.

I'll post some numbers here in the next few days to see how much progress has occurred.

God Bless...

Still Phil Collins but instead of "I Don't Care Anymore" now it is "Take Me Home".

Back in October I had become very frustrated with the process of trying to lose weight.  I've spent a lot of time, money and focus on losing the weight with very little to show for it.

Oh, was I pissed.

I continued on with my diet "experiments" to find what was true for me nutritionally, supplementally and spiritually.  I continued on with my trainer at the gym.  Since October I've continued to eat 5 meals a day and 4 of them were dead-solid-perfect and the fifth?  Well, it was whatever I wanted it to be.

Everything went along just as before, no problems, no real weight gain, no nothin' to report.  It seemed for several months that not giving a damn was exactly the way to go.  Same results, less trouble.

Then in February I had about 4 weeks of back to back illness and a lower back injury (not from the gym) that shot my weight way back up.  Higher up than when I had started back on June 12, 2006.  Measurements back then put me at 378 lbs. at 49% body fat.  That is about 185 lbs. of pure lard and about 192 lbs. of lean, manly, macho, muscle mass.

I worked like a demon for two years and made some progress to 350 at 39.5% body fat.  Then I quit back in October.

Today I begin again.  The wisdom of this blog was shoved in my face recently.  I had to justify why I believed some of those things that seem odd in the world of fitness and nutrition and about my psychology.  This blog, it turned out, was so completely instrumental in keeping me aware of changes and evolution.  So, today, I begin again.

Today I weigh in at 375.2 lbs. and 41.5% body fat.  Two weeks ago I topped out (for my entire life) at 386 lbs.
Today's lean mass is 220 lbs. (up about 30 lbs. from two years ago, maintained very nicely, thank you very much...).
Today's fat mass is 155 lbs. That is 30 lbs. less than two years ago, maintained very nicely, thank you very much...).

My goal is to achieve 15% body fat in one year's time, to do that my I must lose 117 lbs. of fat.

117lbs. of fat/12 months is 9.75 lbs. of fat per month, 2.44 lbs. of fat per week.

Sorry, Phil, but I have to care again, even if it is against all odds.  There is just something in the air tonight that compels me.  We can't dance so ill get cardio by jogging, and in other ways, too - do you remember?  Perhaps I'll yell, "Sussudio"  as I wish it would rain down, who knows?

And, for putting up with that last paragraph, you'll be in my heart...

Now, THAT was painful... 

I quit.

I don't care anymore.

How odd to have lived the way I have for the last two years.  I spent  so much time, money, energy, focus, emotion and psychic energy on the one goal of losing weight.  I haven't eaten more than 1850 calories in a day for nearly six months.  No binging. 

I haven't done nearly as much for my home, family or business.

And yet, that which I have not "rewarded" with so much time, money, etc., the home, family, and business have done extraordinarily well.  I've had great progress, success and stability in all of these areas.

The weight loss thing has been given all of the attention and has garnered no results.  What kind of madness is it to reward the failures in life?  If you owned a business and you had an employee that always got it wrong, would you pay him more?  Of course not.

That is exactly what I have done.  I've rewarded those parts of my life that have not produced squat. 

Two years of burning it up in the gym with a personal trainer, pounding it out on the treadmill, dieting, planned meals, recorded calorie counts, exact water intake, computerized programs, personal health coaches, motivational coaches and decent, decent caring friends has resulted in nearly no gains or results.

I'm done.

I'm still killin' it in the gym, I'm still going to eat in a way that makes me feel GREAT (dairy free, small meals, vitamin  C, fish oil, low soy, fake sugar free) but I am done weighing myself.  I am done measuring my food.  I am done tracking anything with respect to health.

I quit.  I guess I just  have to resign myself to being that fat guy in the gym that can run like hell on the treadmill and move heavy weight.

This investment is worth feeling this good everyday.  I guess in the end we manage our feelings and our energy and not our time or task list.  I will manage my energy and feelings everyday for the rest of my life and if I don't lose another pound, then so be it.

In the words of the great Phil Collins, "I don't care anymore.  I don't care anymowewer"

Good luck to everyone.

A confession is called for...

But first a promise I made a couple weeks ago:

"On September 7th, 2008 I will weigh 344 lbs. at 215 lbs. lean mass, 129 lbs. of body fat mass and 37.5% body fat."

Not quite.  Not even close. 
344 lbs., NOPE.  Missed by 5.8 lbs.
215 lean mass, uh, NOPE.  Missed by 1.53 lbs.
129 lbs. body fat mass, ah, well, jeez, NOPE.  Missed by 6.33 lbs.
37.5% body fat, well, uh, hmm... NADA.  Missed by 1.3%

I think my GIVADAMN is busted.  I am positively coming out of my skin, I'm giddy.  I am ecstatic to have missed this small goal so completely and still feel this way.

I'm as happy as a little girl.  I haven't felt this good, this powerful or this "solid" in my entire life.  I can out run the 20 year old me.  I can out lift the 20 year old me.  I am growing fingernails, hair and new skin at alarming rates.  The insulin-resistance that gave me dark spots on my knuckles and toes is completely gone.

Yesterday was odd in that it was such a remarkable day and it almost passed unnoticed.  I woke up feeling great (as is the usual case these days), no headache, no backache - no nuthin'.  I popped out of bed and began cleaning the kitchen and making breakfast for the kiddos.

We then went to our 4 year old's first soccer game.  95 degree weather, open field, no chairs to sit on, no shade to sit in.  No problem?  I stood the entire 2 hours without the pains in my feet, lower back and hips that use to set in after about 5 minutes.  I didn't feel overly hot, no panting like a dog.  When I did kneel down or sit next to my son it was easy and painless.  That has to be the new flexibility.  It used to be that I would sit down and in a minute or so my back and shoulders would start throbbing with pain.  I couldn't sit cross-legged for any amount of time.

After the game, during which I missed a meal (I thought we would be done with plenty of time - apparently in the soccer Pee-Wee league you practice before the game and then play) we took our young soccer warrior to Chuck E. Cheese to celebrate his towering youth soccer accomplishment: he kicked the ball.

So, I sat there and watched my family eat all of my previous life favorites (pizza, coke, etc.) and felt only the smallest twinge of temptation.  I got home, made myself a great meal and relaxed for a few minutes.  

I capped my great day by mowing the lawn, which I figure is worth about 350 calories worth of sweat.  I don't think of it as "mowing" at all - to me it is a sled-push, uphill.  Our yard slopes up off of the street then flattens out and requires some muscle to get the mower up the incline.  This was the first time I mowed my own grass.  We bought a mower for just this reason.

Feeling strong, effortlessly passing up old trigger foods, finding the fitness in keeping my home and family happy and enjoying some time in the park.
 
Sounds like a life worth hanging a hat on.

LAST WEEK: Weight: 351.4 Body Fat%: 39.1% Body Fat Weight: 137.40 lbs. Lean Muscle Mass: 214.00 lbs. At 15% bf, my goal weight is 251.77 lbs. BMI: 47.6 Body Fat to Lose: 99.63 lbs.

THIS WEEK: Weight: 348.8 (!) Body Fat%: 38.8% (!) Body Fat Weight: 135.33 lbs. (!) Lean Muscle Mass: 213.47 lbs. (!) At 15% bf, my goal weight is 251.14 lbs. (!) BMI: 47.3 (!) Body Fat to Lose: 97.66 lbs. (!)

Now, that IS more like it.

Finally, finally, finally I crossed over the 100 lbs. to go marker.  I have approached it, bounced off of it, neared it, shaved at it and peeked at it through a key hole but NEVER, EVER, EVER crossed it.

Given that the scale isn't broken, I don't have a three week old hamburger in my gut throwing off my measurements or last weeks "binge" episode hanging around for a month, this is the first real progress that I am convinced of.  No doubts.

Not a big drop in scale weight but check out that drop in body fat percentage - whoo hoo!  .6% in one week!  Yes, yes, yes, yes and eeeyeeessss!  So, not only did I drop about two and a half pounds of fat but I put on one and a half pounds of muscle.  Perfect week.

Perfect, perfect, perfect...

No rashes, no bleeding gums, no heart palpatations, no fatigue, no nothing.

I have had a problem with soreness after my gym sessions that I haven't had for a long time.  At first I thought that I wasn't getting enough fast moving sugars pre/post workout but then another possibility occurred to me.  I have gotten all the way through some very intense workouts.  My lifts have all increased, my sprinting intervals all increased in speed this week and my ability to toss those kettle bells around is really improving.  I think I'm sore more because I'm doing more. 

I like that option better.

Do I get to 344 lbs. by the 7th?  7 pounds in 7 days. 

Youbetcherass pilgrim.

LAST WEEK: Weight: 352.2 Body Fat%: 39.7% Body Fat Weight: 139.82 lbs. Lean Muscle Mass: 212.38 lbs. At 15% bf, my goal weight is 249.85 lbs. BMI: 47.7 Body Fat to Lose: 102.35 lbs.

THIS WEEK: Weight: 351.4 Body Fat%: 39.1% Body Fat Weight: 137.40 lbs. Lean Muscle Mass: 214.00 lbs. At 15% bf, my goal weight is 251.77 lbs. BMI: 47.6 Body Fat to Lose: 99.63 lbs.

Wow, what a difference a week makes!

This is day 7 of the dairy-free, corn-free, egg-free, soy-free and artificial sweetener-free "elimination diet" outlined in the book "The 5 Forces of Wellness" by Mark Hyman.  The idea is to get rid of the most common allergens then add one thing back into the diet each week.  I hope eggs make it back in -  I'm 100% sure that I have a dirty, rotten, low-down, scoundrel of a dairy allergen.

So much of what I was doing was hurting me.  The protein shakes, cottage cheese, milk, and artificial sweeteners were likely doing me harm with every bite.

Oye! I was taking in such a HUGE amount of fake sugars - how healthy can a body function when it thinks it is taking in thousands upon thousands of calories of sugar?  

Mouth: Mmmm... a nice, sweet chocolate bar.  This has to be worth 500 calories, cool.

Stomach: Hey!  I know it tasted sweet, but we don't actually have anything to burn down here!  Your "sweetness" sensor is broken...
  
Brain: O.K., next time we'll take in 700 calories in sweetness so this doesn't happen again.

Endocrine: Hey, all, sorry for the release of all of that insulin, I thought we had a big load of sugar to deal with.  Don't worry, we won't become resistant to insulin after just one big flood...

Mouth: Mmmm... a large, sweet glass of iced tea............................

This is it!  The first week of the rest of my life.  I can eat this way effortlessly!  All of the running into brick walls over the last two years.  All of the effort, the trainer, the supplements, the dietary adherence, the calories restriction, the early mornings, the treadmill sessions, the coolers of prepared meals and the planning and shopping with so little to show.

I am very proud of having not quit or given in to the sometimes heart-wrenching results.  Every step, every decision has allowed me to become the man that I am today.  The man I am today faces these "limitations" with absolute certainty and faith.  I am now ready to do something that I haven't ever done with a completely honest heart.  Though, sadly enough, I have done many, many times and at great expense: Write Goals.

I've never written a goal believing that I would truly accomplish it.  I've always known, deep down, something would stop me or that I would just quit.  Even the goal I posted here a week ago about getting to 344 lbs. at 37.5% body fat by September 7, 2008 was written with the knowledge that I would likely fall short.

I did think it would only be a little short, however.

Today I write with 100% certainty that:

Every step is light, lean and powerful now that I have burned off 105 lbs. of fat in only seven months!

That is march 21, 2009.  105 pounds of fat loss will get me to about 14% body fat and likely 240 lbs. of total weight.  I know that SMART goals are supposed to have a bunch of measurements and specificity but I don't need a lot of the traditional goal setting in this because I KNOW what needs to be done, I KNOW if I've done it and I KNOW lighter, leaner and more powerful feels.

My "whys", "whens" and "hows" are all with me, all of the time.  I will be checking in every two weeks with my "SECRET WEAPON" for accountability.  I will post weekly progress here.  I will note each day if my personal integrity contract has been full filed, each day I need to sweat, to pray and to eat clean.

In summary: these are the most accurate body composition measurements of my entire life - I'm not getting lean muscle mass credit for the chicken, beef or heavy meats I may have eaten and not getting high fat readings from any fat that is sitting, undigested in my gut or blood stream.  These numbers are where we "begin".

In summary: I will lose 105 lbs. by March 21, 2009.  Period.  No exceptions, no crying, no excuses and no way I fall short this time.  No way.


LET THE TRUE GAMES BEGIN!!

THIS WEEK (The first week of the rest of my life, of course!)

Weight: 352.2
Body Fat%: 39.7%
Body Fat Weight: 139.82 lbs.
Lean Muscle Mass: 212.38 lbs.
At 15% bf, my goal weight is 249.85 lbs.
BMI: 47.7
Body Fat to Lose: 102.35 lbs.

First a statement of the CHALLENGE:

My digestive process is whack.  The muscles that contract to empty my stomach are small, poorly innervated and, I suspect, registered democrats.  The democrat jab is meant to imply they are present, cause a lot of noise and chaos but ultimately are ineffectual.  I have little intestinal motility.  Put down the sandwhich and look at this.

Yes, I am a registered Democrat.  Social liberal (I don't care who gets married or who runs across the border - just register and pay taxes before you start sucking off the system) and fiscal conservative.  Fiscal conservative means the government should only do for me (and you, given circumstances) that which I cannot do for myself - such as fighting wars, policing the streets and financially bailing out soulless and ultra-rich corporations.

My guts are democrats, creators of poo.  My attitude has been conservative, flinger of poo.  Should have been a healthy balance...

Make the poo - fling the poo.  All is right with the world.

Problem is that I'm not making the poo fast enough and when I do, I'm not flinging it as well as I should.

How's that sandwich tasting right now?

So, here we go, THE plan (it has been working like gangbusters for the last two days):

Eat six times a day, 300 calories a meal - DONE, this I have down to a science
Pray twice a day, write once a day - DONE, I actually can pray and not feel like a hypocrite nowadays, cool.
No Dairy products, No Eggs, Very little Soy - NEW, but accommodated for quite easily
Supplements - NEW, I wasn't taking anything but now have rethought the wisdom of that decision,  I take: fish oil, choline, 5-htp, digestive enzymes, Vitamin C, Magnesium Citrate, a multivitamin and fruit and veggie fiber supplement.
Resistance training 3x week, cardio work 3x and stretching 1x - DONE, I am fully automatic in this area.  Whowouldathunkit?
No more sugar substitutes - well, greatly reduced anyhow.  Between the crystal light and the weight control oatmeal, I was really taking in quite a bit of the fake sugars.  I will restrict this to the sucralose in my new protein powder, which lists it as the very last ingredient.

The big change is the loss of my favorite shakes Full Strength as they contain dairy and gluten.  It is a little ironic that the very thing that kept me on track was also part of the problem.  If not for the two shakes a day habit, I likely would not have gotten to this place as this person with this much opportunity.

Much like Britney Spear's hair - When it's time to go, it is simply TIME TO GO.

No eggs - for now.  I am following a 2 week elimination diet to test myself for food allergies and sensitivities.  No corn, eggs, dairy or sugar substitutes.  My guess is the days of lactose and dairy are gone for good but the eggs will make it back shortly.  I am not a big believer in soy protein for men.

My new protein powder is GOAT's Whey.  It is lactose free, sugar free, absorbs 300% better than regular proteins and doesn't taste too bad either.  Had my first this morning - if it bloats or causes any problems it will get tossed right out the door.

I can eat my way to health.  Eating right has been so automatic for months now.  If not for the habits and confidence from the last six months, there wouldn't be any way I could have addressed this problem effectively.

Just over two years since my "awakening" in Colorado.  I haven't caved in to any of the health stuff, torn rotators, low back injuries, rashes, digestive problems, near gall bladder surgery, new baby, new house, binge eating disorder, car accident, and a business built from the ground up.

I haven't stopped eating right (some "slack" periods), I haven't stopped training (very little time lost to injury) but mostly I haven't stopped believing in the eventuality of my dream.  

The "why" has never gotten far away from consciousness. 

The "how" has been supported by some of the finest people one could hope to meet.  Skinny, David, Shawn, Matt and Stephen.

The "When" has been the only part to defy me, time and time again.  No longer.  No more.  The "when" is right now.  I've done all of the work with little to show for it and now I'll do all of the work and have everything I want.  The "when" isn't so far off that I can slack, my credibility will be rock solid as I pass into new "diet" territory in two weeks.  I will be the lowest weight I have been in over 8 years and, better still, back then I didn't carry around and extra 35 lbs. of lean mass that I do now.

Mark it, stamp it, book it and otherwise note it now: On September 7th, 2008 I will weigh 344 lbs. at 215 lbs. lean mass, 129 lbs. of body fat mass and 37.5% body fat.

I find myself in a rotten place this morning.

No, not the room in Britney Spear's brain that stores her self-esteem.

A couple days ago I took a client to a park to "pull the sled".  Whole-body core strengthening moves can help some people with Autism to focus and concentrate.  The problem is often you don't want to put a squat bar on their backs or hand them heavy weights due to the unpredictability of their responses.  The sled is perfect, the only part in contact with the individual is the harness.  It had just rained and the field was green and wide open, ideal and beautiful.

For those of you not blessed with a New Mexico sky and the cloud banks that come with it...  I feel for you...  I'll also forget all about you as I get to run out and play underneath them again today... ha ha ha... he he he...

O.K., gloating is over now...

Were was I?  Oh, that's right - It had just rained.  They were clever and wicked little creatures.  They were devious and cunning.  The first to introduce herself to me said her name was "Culcie" and that she was working her way through "phlebotomy school giving flying lessons".

The two-foot cylindrical nose and two large, black-spotted wings should have tipped me off that something wasn't right.

Should have...

In short, though that is not really my style, I was eaten alive by mosquitoes.  From my low sock line up to the level of my cargo shorts (calves and knees) I am nothing but a series of welts, stinger marks and cheese-grated skin.

My wife does a quick search for treatment since she has access to all of the on-line medical literature and presents me with the following unimpressive list of options for treatment: ibuprofen, hydro cortisone, cold pack and, yes, deodorant.  I tried each of the options and it turns out that the deodorant idea is the most effective.

Old Spice to the rescue!  The idea being that the aluminum salts will break down the proteins that cause the itch.

I'm just happy that I won't have any unsightly armpit sweat on my calves for the next couple of days.  

And we all hate those now don't we?